Ask Alyssa

It’s our first v-day together—what are some good chocolate desserts i can bake for my husband? and how do you make truffles?

In my opinion, you can’t go wrong with ANYTHING chocolate! Check out smittenkitchen.com/recipes for a bunch of cool, unique stuff, including a recipe for truffles! Sadly I cannot give you a truffle recipe that I’ve used myself, as I’ve never made truffles. Let me know how it comes out!

How do i ask my boyfriend what he thinks about valentine’s day, without seeming like i just want presents? We haven’t said the L word yet, and I don’t want any pressure on either of us…I just like V-day and chocolate and yeah.

You just have to be straightforward and bring it up. Just say, “Hey, what are we doing for Valentine’s Day?” and see what he says. And then he’ll probably say something along the lines of “I don’t know,” since he hasn’t brought it up. Then you can be like, ok, why don’t we… and then say what you want to do. Something like a nice dinner (out or home-cooked) would be good, or something else that’s simple and low-pressure. 

And you can bring up the present thing if you want to as well, just to make sure you’re on the same wavelength. It’s never good to have one person go out and get a nice present and have the other person just hand over a card, or worse, nothing. And feel free to hint about wanting chocolate - or even just say it! He might even be planning to get you some anyway. 

My girlfriend and I have been dating about a month and she really wants me to have dinner with her family. I met her mother once when I picked her up for a date, but that is it thus far. I’m not a big family person; not because I don’t like family… I just like my own privacy from them. I live on my own so the majority of the time she drives to me and we go out from here. What are your thoughts about this?

Unfortunately, you have to suck it up and meet her family - eventually. There’s absolutely no way to avoid that if your girlfriend is close enough to her family to want you to meet them. But after only a month, you don’t necessarily have to meet them just yet. If you’re not comfortable with it right now, just tell her. She should understand. But like I said, you can’t put it off forever. The longer you refuse to meet her family, the less understanding she’s going to be. 

And meeting her family doesn’t mean that you will no longer have privacy from them. Since you live by yourself, she’s still probably going to go to your place more often than you’ll go to hers, since that gives you alone time. But the closer you get to your girlfriend, the more time you may have to spend with her family. Hopefully you’ll be more ok with it by that point. And you never know, you may like them!

My boyfriend broke up with me and moved out about 2 months ago. I have been trying to move on, but he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but he still wants to see me. For a while I was letting him take me out for lunch, but now I’m just angry that he’s making me feel guilty when I wasn’t the one who ended things. I’ve told him recently that I didn’t want to see him anymore, but tonight I have a message from him asking me to DVR his favorite show. He said it like nothing was wrong and like he is assuming we will hang out again. How do I break up with someone who isn’t my boyfriend anymore?

You’re going to have to be very straightforward and firm with this guy. There’s a chance that he thinks you’re not serious, or that he’s trying to get back together with you (in totally the wrong way) but probably he’s just trying to continue taking advantage of you. Good for you for deciding that you don’t want that in your life! Telling him that you don’t want to see him anymore was a great start, but clearly it’s going to take a little more. 

Definitely don’t respond to any messages from him, even just to say no. You’ve told him that you’re not going to see him anymore; you shouldn’t need to say it more than once. If he still doesn’t leave you alone, even after you’ve been ignoring him for enough time that he should’ve gotten the message, you may have to take slightly more serious measures, like blocking him on Facebook and maybe even on your phone, if he’s been texting you. 

And most importantly, try not to let him get to you. He’s definitely being obnoxious, but just remember that you’re fully within your rights to ignore him, and you should, no matter what he might say to get you to respond. And if he starts to get more intense, something that could be classified as harassment, don’t hesitate to get someone else involved, even the police if necessary. 

What are your best diet and exercise tips?

What everyone wants to know, especially this time of year. Too much good food around the holidays!

The main thing is to put out more than you take in. I don’t believe in deprivation; there’s no need to completely avoid the things you love. So the trick is to either eat less of it than you normally would, or do some extra exercise to burn off the calories. Don’t feel like you have to say no to your favorite cake, just ask for a smaller slice! And if you want to try a bunch of things, just take tiny pieces of each, rather than filling your plate. That’s one of my favorite things to do, because then you get to try as much as you want without feeling like a pig. 

Also, stay away from buffets! Lots of holiday parties have the food just sitting out, and you can go back over and over again to get more and more food. Dangerous! It’s super easy to eat way too much in that scenario. Have someone with you who will prevent you from heading back to the food area. 

In terms of exercise, you have to find something that you enjoy doing. If exercising is a chore, you’re not going to want to do it. There are tons of exercise options, from the traditional to the more out-of-the-box (Strip Aerobics, anyone?). Once you find something you like, create a routine. If there’s a specific time that you do your exercise, you’re more likely to stick with it than if you say you’re just going to do it when you have time, or when you feel like it. 

I’m certainly no expert on this subject, so I hope this is at least somewhat helpful. Now, if only I could take my own advice…

“How do I know if i’m ready for a relationship? My last one had me feeling stifled and ready to get out within a week or two. I want to be with my new guy, but am afraid of feeling this way again!”

Well, every relationship is different. The reason you felt stifled with the last one may have just been because it wasn’t a guy you truly wanted to be with. Like, it was him, not you. So you can’t base your new relationship possibility off your last boyfriend because it’s not fair to him or you. Getting into a relationship with this guy could be totally different. 

On the other hand, you do have to be at least pretty sure that you’re ready for a relationship before getting into one, or you risk hurting both yourself and the guy. As long as he’s ok with waiting to be in an official relationship with you, I’d say to resist a while longer. When you’re truly ready to commit, you’ll probably know. And this time, it will be right. But wanting to be with a guy is definitely the first step to a committed relationship, so congrats on that! 

“Hey Alyssa! Why do women always think that I’m trying to get them in the sack when I invite them over at 3 a.m.? Why don’t they believe me when I tell them that I’m interested in playing some early morning monopoly?”

Because who wants to play Monopoly at 3 in the morning? Nobody, that’s who. Try Scrabble instead. 

“What’s your best advice for getting over a guy? We met, I fell hard for him, we dated for a bit and then faded into oblivion. I hate missing someone I barely knew!”

Date someone else, of course! Don’t you know that the best way to get over one person is to get under someone else? Just kidding.

It always helps me to get things out in writing. Take a piece of paper, and write down everything that you liked about him, and everything that you miss about him. If it’s true that you barely knew him, then it will be a short list. And you’ll be able to see that you didn’t really know him, and that might make it easier. 

Otherwise, I’d say to get over him the way you’d get over any guy. Whatever works for you - becoming best friends with Ben and Jerry, watching girly movies, going shopping, hanging out with friends, whatever. Friends are the key in any breakup, in my opinion. They’ll always be there for you, whether it’s to bash your ex for you or just to keep your mind off things. 

Eventually, you’ll find someone who will stick around. But make sure you’re over this guy first! When you’re trying to get over someone, the last thing you need is someone else. 

“Last year I was in college and I really liked it, but I missed my friends and family back home a lot. I withdrew from college but now I really want to go back. What do you think I should do to be back there by spring semester?”

Well my question is, are you sure that the same thing won’t happen again? I totally understand missing home while away at school. I used to miss home, too! But then you went home, and now you miss college! 

Do you want to go back to the same college? Because you might end up with the same problem again. Maybe go to a different college, maybe closer to home? Then if you miss friends and family, it wouldn’t be a big deal to spend a weekend at home. Otherwise, keep in constant contact with people from home while you’re away to keep the homesickness at bay. The internet makes it super easy to keep in touch!

Also, make sure to keep yourself busy at school. Hang out with friends, do schoolwork, maybe join a club or two. If your mind is occupied by fun things, you’re less likely to think about things that aren’t fun, such as missing home. 

In terms of what you should do to actually get back into college, I’ve been informed that you have to reapply. At least, if you withdrew from college as a whole, not just the semester. I’ve also been informed that you probably won’t be readmitted, although that depends on how hard it is to get into the school in general. So you should probably apply to more than one school, just in case! 

“So, I’ve made my love life very messy… I’m just out of a 5 year relationship. The reason for the break up is because he doesn’t want to have a family and does not have any ambition to advance himself even though he says he wants to. Hands down, if he wanted to have kids we would still be together. The break up itself was the most amicable break up I’ve ever had. I haven’t been single in a long time. I joined a dating site after a month and went on a few dates with this great guy named Mark, who is perfect on paper, but there are no feelings on my end for him. There is another guy that I’ve known for a long time that I’ve always had a crush on but I’m too scared to make a move because I don’t want to ruin a friendship. Then I met this guy Mike who is totally wrong for me. He’s the classic bad boy, and I know this. He’s the classic guy in high school that cut class, smoked, and did drugs. But he made me laugh and so we hung out last week and we ended up having sex. I saw him the weekend afterwards and I think we are even going to get together tonight. I can see myself possibly developing feelings for this person even though he’s not someone I should be dating.  All the while I am still hooking up with my ex once a weekend. I guess I don’t really have a question to ask. I really am just interested in your honest opinion about my situation.”

Take it from me - too many boys is a problem, especially if they find out about each other. As much as the stereotype of the guy is that he likes to play around, and that may be true for some, a lot of guys want you to commit to just him because he wants to be with only you! 

That said, I’m sorry about the end of your relationship. Five years is a long time to be with someone, but it sounds like you’re ok with not being with him anymore. So my first thought is that you should stop sleeping with him! You guys broke up for a reason, you’re not getting back together and you’re looking for someone else. So why keep going back to him? Even if the sex is crazy good, continuing to hook up with him is just a bad idea. Oh, and forget Mark too. Perfect on paper means nothing if you don’t have feelings for him! 

Now, you only talked about Mike as being a “bad boy” in terms of high school. Assuming you’re an adult (or at least in college), what matters is what he does now. What does it mean to be “wrong for you?” I mean, does he still do those things he did in high school? Is he a good person? That’s more important. And making you laugh is definitely a good thing. But you said that you think you could develop feelings for him. Well, you’ve already hung out and had sex with him. So wouldn’t you have these feelings already? 

Personally, I think you should go for the guy you have a crush on! Could it ruin the friendship? Potentially, but I think it’s worth the risk. It’s worked out many times that I’ve heard of. And he could have a crush on you, too! Plus, even if he doesn’t like you “that way” but still wants to be friends, you can definitely still be friends. Go for it, girl!

“I love my girlfriend but she’s really dumb. It gets under my skin when she swears up and down that some of the most ignorant things I’ve ever heard a person say is truth. She’s also extremely sensitive to criticism. How do I help her without hurting her?”

I must say, this is an interesting first question. Thanks! Now, to answer the question. You say that you love your girlfriend, but you’re calling her dumb. My first advice would be to ask yourself if you truly love her (and/or want to be with her) if that’s what you think of her. I know that it’s only one part of her, and you would probably add that she’s funny and beautiful and other things if I asked. But her intelligence is not a small thing.

Aside from that, when she swears something is true when you know for sure that it’s not, all you have to do is tell her. But don’t phrase it as her being wrong. Instead, put it out there as more of your opinion. Like if she insists on saying that the sky is green, just tell her that in your experience, the sky is blue. Then it’s more of a difference in opinion, rather than you saying no, you’re wrong. 

Also, “sensitive to criticism” is relative. If you tend to be on the harsher side when being critical, or you offer criticism without the constructive piece and she gets upset, that’s something you need to work on. For example, if she writes you a poem and you think it’s awful, instead of saying, wow, this poem sucks, you can say, this poem is really good, but it would be even better if you changed the rhyme scheme and added some punctuation. Now, if you already give gentle, constructive criticism, and she still gets upset, then I’m not sure what to tell you. 

I hope you can work things out so you’re not so frustrated with your girlfriend anymore. Good luck!

Hello and welcome to the Ask Alyssa page. My name is Alyssa, and I’m trying something new here. You’ve all heard of Ann Landers and Dear Abby, right? Well, I’d like to add another A to the mix. 

I have friends who have asked for my advice on various things, mainly relationship issues (some on multiple occasions!). Over the years, I believe that I’ve become quite good at giving advice and solving people’s problems. Or, at least, helping them with their problems. 

So I’ve decided to try taking it further. I’m not sure how one becomes an actual advice columnist, but I figure this is a good start. 

If you look to the right, you’ll see a button that says Ask Alyssa. If you click it, it lets you ask me a question! You can even do it anonymously. I will then make a post answering your question. 

Here’s hoping to be helpful! 

— Alyssa